Well, I'm home. I left my home in Utah and arrived home in Baltimore late last night. Or early this morning, if you want to get technical. Such crazy, mixed up emotions going on right now. It was so much fun seeing my family but it was really hard to pretend there wasn't this big, giant hole right in the middle of us. There are reminders of my dad's absence everywhere at home. An empty setting at the dinner table; a single car parked in the driveway; his abandoned cowboy hat (worn every weekend) is now lovingly displayed on my mom's dresser; and the corner on top of the filing cabinet that held the {always replenished} yellow box of Milk Duds is now vacant. It's painful.
The truth is, I've been struggling for several months now. My dad's death was a devastating blow for me and I still have this heavy, aching in my heart. For him, for my mom, for my 15 year old sister, for the last 3 years of his life I missed, for my kids who will not remember him, for the 5 of his 8 children who will not stand beside him on their wedding day, for the memories that will no longer be made. And although my tears are no longer a daily occurrence, I still grieve every day. I've had a hard time finding motivation to do the things I normally enjoy like exercising and cleaning my house. And I know I've become somewhat of an introvert but I haven't really felt up to being social. Not yet. My mind is just filled up with so much worry.
My trip was nice though. It was a progressive step in the healing process for me and it's helped to lift my spirits. I was finally able to see my dad's headstone, visit his old office, and feel a special connection with him and my family through a delightful night of music. His birthday was last week so we held a concert for family and dear friends in his honor because there was nothing he liked better than to hear his children sing. I'll post more pictures of my trip soon but in the meantime, here are a few old ones for memories sake.
(February 2004) Celebrating Dad's 50th birthday
(Summer 2008) This is the last picture we ever took together
3 comments:
Oh Becky...Im so sad for you. I cant completely understand what you are going through but I do know that it is hard to be away and then to go back and be hit in the face with all of the changes. It makes going "home" very difficult. I dont know if there is anything that I can do, but if there is, I will do it. Even if it means coming over and putting away all of that stuff in your front room!
Hopefully things will ease up as some of the stresses of graduation and moving are over and you can be closer to your family. Hang in there.
I really love that last picture of you and your dad. That will be cherished always!!
You are a great example and I'm glad you share your feelings with all of us, you are such a great mom and daughter! Hang in there, I think you're amazing!
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