With heavy heart,

I find myself in Utah, writing this post in my old bedroom, in the home I grew up in. Believe me, that probably surprises me more than anyone. My head is still spinning and I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that my dad is gone.
It was a Friday evening about 2 and 1/2 weeks ago (and the day before London's 1st birthday), that I was finishing up a cake and getting my family ready to go to an outdoor summer concert. I got a call from my mom telling me that my dad was getting major surgery on Monday and the doctors recommended she call all the kids home. Last I'd heard, he was doing better so I was pretty surprised and upset by the news. My kids were already loaded up in the car so I figured we'd still go to the concert and then figure out how in the world we were going to get to Utah when we got home. About 5 minutes after we left, my mom called again and said she felt like we should get to Utah as soon as possible. So, we flipped a U-y, booked our flight (which cost a freakin' arm and a leg) and 18 hours later I was on a plane with 3 kids all by me lonesome (Andy had patients- not that we could afford another ticket anyway).

We had to cancel the little birthday party we had planned for London on Saturday evening but we still managed to squeeze in a little family celebration before rushing to the airport.

UNO!!

Guess we'll have to distribute these little party favors to her friends when we get home.
{The flowers on top are actually hair clips}

I had a really hard time thinking of what kind of cake to make for my little one because she's too young to really be "into" anything right now. She LOVES her little stuffed animal, Hopkin, though and sleeps with him every night so I figured that could be cute. I even made the hedgehog removable so she could have her very own little cake.

She wasn't impressed.

In fact, she hated it.

She grabbed handfuls of frosting and threw it on the wall.

Oh the horror

Little stinker

The rest of London's birthday was spent at the airport where I was the lucky recipient of a full body groping , I mean, pat down, while all 3 of my children watched with wide, worried eyes.

Really? I mean, REALLY?!!

Also, our DVD player died an hour and a 1/2 into our 5 hour flight and London's diaper strategically leaked in just the right place to make it appear as though I was the one who'd had an accident. Lovely. Can't say that I'm super excited about about our flight home...

Waiting around at the airport....

That view can only mean one thing....
HOME!!!!

I went straight from the airport to the hospital to see my dad. I totally broke down sobbing when I saw him because he looked so sick and weak. My dad, who has always been my hero, so strong and unbreakable, was laying in that hospital bed, gasping for every breath and it scared me to death. He was exhausted, but he was able to open his eyes and he recognized me.

He said, "Becca, (he's the only one who calls me that) it's so good to see you. How's London?" (she was in the ER a week before). He then told me he loved me and that he was proud of me and then he went back to sleep. I am SO thankful that my mom had the impression to encourage me to get home quicker because that was the last conversation I had with my dad.


This picture was taken on Sunday June 27th, the day my dad passed away. When we arrived at the hospital, my mom was on the phone with my brother Kyle, who's serving a mission in Texas.


My mom had asked me and all my siblings to come to the hospital between 12-1:30 to spend a little time alone with my dad. The kids and I hadn't even seen any of my family yet so it was a fun reunion in the waiting room-hugging and taking pictures.


Sadly, this picture was taken within moments of my dad's passing. You can actually see the confusion in Brett's face as he registers that the Code Blue announced over the intercom was for room E80...my dad's room.

We all ran down the hallway and stood, pleading silent prayers and holding each other tightly, for the long 20 minutes or so, the hospital staff applied CPR. I couldn't stand to watch the defibrillator repeatedly shocking his body but I could peek in and see the doctor's reflection in the mirror as he worked over my dad, forcefully throwing his weight into every chest compression. I just kept thinking, this can't be happening! This can't be happening!

I will never forget the agonizing little scream that escaped from my mother's mouth when the doctor came out to tell us he didn't see how my dad was going to make it.

Words cannot describe the pain that fills my heart for the loss of my wonderful father. It physically hurts sometimes, the suffering is so great. The Lord was not unaware of our prayers though and he blessed us time and time again. I feel peace in knowing that my dad died before getting this surgery instead of during. It was risky and very intensive and I know he was dreading it, having had 2 open heart surgeries in the past.

Suffering a stroke during surgery was another major concern so I'm thankful that he didn't survive the surgery only to have major complications after. He was such a busy man and a hard worker, that would've been absolutely devastating for him.

Also, I truly believe my dad waited until all of my siblings were gathered around my mom before he passed on. I can't imagine how it would be if she had had to experience that alone. He coded not more than 5 minutes after we were all together in the waiting room.

Things have been absolutely crazy around here and there has been so much to get done that the reality of it all still hasn't sunk in yet. I'm sure there are plenty more dark hours to come, especially for mom. Oh how my heart aches for her. I lost my father but she lost the love of her life. Her companion and best friend. I only wish there was something I could do to ease her pain. I don't know how long I will stay here or even how we are getting home. We're just taking it day by day for now.